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The end of 2005

I’m counting down the last 30 minutes of the year that was 2005 with the only 2 people who can truly share the ups and downs I have encountered this year. There have been many who have supported us, but my sister and tom are the ones who really know what this year has meant. We did lose the most important person in our lives only a few weeks ago, and I must admit the thought that the last year I’ll ever share with my momhas come to an end really is hard to deal with. The years are just a human creation to mark the passing of time, and nothing will be different after midnight, but at this point anything that moves me further away from my mom, her voice, her beautiful mind, smile, love, and outlook on life hurts.

I’ve really been searching over the last few weeks for answers about death. There are so many things I’ve learned since my mom’s passing (which is exactly what she would want). The first is that I’ve finally learned what death is. Sure I’ve seen people die my whole life on Tv, in the newspapers, lost close pets, and even had friends die, but never before did I understand what death was all about until I lost my mom. Death is not scary, not impossible to deal with, not impossible to get over as I once thought, but instead the natural progression of life. Here’s the deal: We all die. Everyone you know, or will ever know in your life will die. So the idea of hanging on to them, or holding yourself back out of fear of death, just seems like such a waste now. It’s going to happen, why fear it? I think people forget that death is an inevitable consequence of life, and they think that with the proper precautions, with the perfect amount of sheltering, they can avoid it. You can’t. The idea of avoiding it, and protecting yourself from it, is as crazy as thinking you can avoid tomorrow by staying up all night. So again, you really have to ask yourself: “What is more scary, dying or never living?”

My mom has showed me, the greatest fear in life is not death at all (as I once thought), but instead not living life fully. My mom and I once rescued a stray cat who we named kitty. Kitty was a wonderful cat, full of life and energy and we loved her dearly. But Kitty loved going outside, and she would wander off into the woods for days, leaving my mom and I to worry. We loved kitty very much, and feared her getting hurt or lost on her long journeys, and we had to make a decision on her lifestyle. For my mom, it was an easy decision. She told me, “we can let kitty roam free, smelling all the earth’s smells, chasing all the birds, tasting all the grasses, and feeling the cool breezes in her hair, and perhaps lose her to elements OR we can shelter her, protect her in our home in the hopes of lengthening her life. It’s quantity vs quality. Let her soak it up, a full life is more important than a long one.”

And little did I know how true this statement would be for my mom.

Live it up, love it all, and have fun in 2006. That’s what my mom would want.

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