Personal | Life Putting - Dan Putt

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Relationships: they’re work (in a good way)

Published on March 25, 2008 in mom and personal.

I had a long talk with my sister this morning about relationships and it reminded me of something my Mom used to tell me: relationships (of all kinds) take work. I’m amazed really at how easily people forget this (myself definitely included). Expecting a relationship, whether between you and your significant other or your friend or sibling or children, to just be great all the time without any effort is crazy. It’s the same as expecting to be in tip top shape physically without ever going to the gym. It just doesn’t happen. Yes, some people are more naturally gifted and can stay more physically fit without any work just as some relationships just naturally click better than others, but those are the exception and not the rule.

I consider myself lucky to have an amazing girl like Julie in my life, and we do get along very well. Actually I think we have a pretty good relationship. It is not perfect by any measure, but I the foundation is good..we love each other and we like to be around each other. I just realized recently that life had done its part to dull things for us. It’s not that things got worse, it’s just that we stopped putting effort into the relationship. I try to spend at least an hour a day on my body at the gym, but recently I have not even spent that much time deepening my relationship with her. Now we both are very busy, and it is hard when we finally connect around 9pm after a long day to do much other than talk a little and watch some tv. I suspect this is the case for lots of couples, and I can only imagine it gets more difficult when you have kids. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see why we have recently felt a little distant, why things don’t feel like they did when we first got together. It’s not because we don’t care for each other, and it’s not because we don’t work well together, it’s because we’re not putting in any effort. Relationships, good ones, take work (movies are wrong).

If you’re spending more time on your blackberry writing emails than you are talking with your significant other, it’s only a matter of time before things “don’t feel like they used to.” I’m not saying you have to give up everything else in your life, I’m just saying you don’t expect to get washboard abs by avoiding the gym so why do you expect your relationships to just be great without any effort?

How do you start working on it? I’m not sure exactly, but talking is a pretty good place to start. Ask them what’s on their mind, what’s going on their life, what they like, what they want from the relationship…and then see where it goes from there.

I know this is a subject most people don’t like to talk about (guys especially), and I think that’s the problem. It was on my mind, so I posted it…

The Winning Investment Habits of Warren Buffett and George Soros

Published on March 12, 2008 in business, goals and personal.

I finally got around to finishing the The Winning Investment Habits of Warren Buffett and George Soros as recommended by Ryan Allis way back when. It’s an interesting and fairly simple read (despite being huge) with a lot of fantastic insights for anyone looking to spend a little more time managing their investments (it’s a really hard time to do that, I know). There are a lot of practical tips in the book, and Ryan did an excellent job covering them in his post above, but I found some core life lessons in their winning habits as well. I’ve re-posted them below (these are my personal notes, so I apologize if they don’t make sense).

the reminder that my path is MY path: both Soros and Buffett went their own way. They never worried that they were entering the exit doors. They never did or do what they are “supposed to do.” They created a set of beliefs, and they stick to them, which has served them extremely well. There is no “right” path for me that someone else took. My path is mine. My belief and life criteria will define that path for me, and those are also MINE. They are borrowed and pulled from others, but I ultimately get to decide what ends up in there.
conventional wisdom gets you conventional results: I realized while reading their habits neither one of them follows any of the investment habits you often hear about on CNBC or read in Money magazine as the “right ones.” You would never hear Suzie Orman preaching these guy’s habits. For example neither one of them believes in diversification. Diversification is of course a way to manage risk, but they both feel they can adequately remove risk from a situation by spending time thinking and researching. They say if you spend enough time BEFORE buying you can remove the risk greatly, and if you remove the risk why wouldn’t you put all of your resources behind it? Soros put his entire fund’s assets ($7B + $3B on margin) into his trade against the Bank of England. He KNEW his downside was 5% or less but his upside was huge (he was right…$2B in net on that trade).
skip to work: Buffett has been quoted many times as saying that he literally skips to work. He says even that he has instructed Berkshire to hold seances for him after he dies, so that he can continue to actively invest. He simply loves it. It is clear $$$ has nothing to do with his drive. The same is true for Soros. Although they both hit their strides when they realized which sides of their businesses they wanted to be involved in day in and day out, and which parts to delegate. It seems pursuing something that makes you feel this good is ultimately the safest investment.
Happiness in the details: It’s clear these two both enjoy the process instead of the results. For Buffett it is pouring over annual reports and balance sheets. He LOVES that. He literally does it all the time. In fact he has often said he feels like he should pay to have his job (he does in many ways…a $100k salary for the last 30 years is absolute steal for shareholders). Soros is the same. He sees himself as a philosopher and investing is just a playground where he can test and prove or disprove his ideas. The $$$ is merely the vote tally on whether or not his hypothesis were correct.
thinking and just sitting are crucial: Soros says his favorite time is down time, his “thinking time.” He says times when you do nothing are just as, if not more, important than when you do something. Spending the time to think and process your thoughts is key to success he says. They say that some of the biggest mistakes people can make is thinking that they HAVE to do something everyday. There’s a great quote in the book that says something along the lines of “Why do people on wall street feel like they have to come and do SOMETHING everyday?…I find that there is very little I HAVE to do on a day to day basis. I’d much rather spend my time reading and researching on the beach, and only come in when I have to buy or sell something.” Buffett has a little less of a work / life balance than Soros it seems according to the book.
focus. Both of these guys have focused in on a few core competencies and an investment approach in which they specialize in. They rarely stray from these. This allows them to really hone their skills. I realized that I constantly jump from one space / field to the next based on stories I hear / read. The focus needs to be on a field with a criteria that fits uniquely me. This weekend while in cincy I helped Ethan (my little brother) practice basketball. His friend is very good at layups and I was showing ethan some techniques. He got frustrated when I told him that kid probably practices everyday and that is why he is so good. I was naturally a good basketball player but I also LOVED to play, so I played every single day for hours after school. These two things made me very good. I of course wanted to be good, but I didn’t practice because of that. I practiced because I liked to play. The same is true for why I read business books and magazines. I love the stories. I love the trends. I love hearing about the people. How can I find my basketball feeling again?

These guys stay within themselves. The book talks about the “loser” investor as one who is constantly adjusting their techniques based on the last story they heard. I’ve realized that when you don’t take the time to think about and find what you enjoy and are good at analyzing in the investment world, you tend to jump from one person’s ideas to another. The same is true in life I believe. I think it is why so many of those get rich infomercials work so well. It’s hitting people who have no idea what their core strengths and passions are, and aren’t seeing any good results in their current approach (most likely based on something someone else told them) so they are so willing to buy another idea, especially when it is presented so well. These guys (Buffett an Soros) have found the shoes they are comfortable in and they STICK to them, knowing that is where they are happiest, most comfortable and ultimately most successful. I will say though that the personal criteria for living for everyone always borrows from others ideas, the key is to borrow from those that you can truly make your own and not from those you hope you can absorb.

Happy Birthday Mom

Published on March 10, 2008 in grieving, mom and personal.

(from my trip last weekend to Deep Creek Lake, MD)
So my mom would have turned 55 today. It’s hard to believe a 3rd birthday has passed since her death. I definitely do miss her everyday, but it’s strange how life goes on. It is so weird to see all the cards and letters I saved from her yellow in age. I forget that she never saw me move to New York, that she never met my beautiful little niece Olivia or my crazy dog Izzy (she always told me I wasn’t ready for a dog until I had a yard). I forget that we haven’t been able to discuss so many amazing events that have occurred in my life over the last 3 years. I forget that life has gone on without her.

I guess that is what life is supposed to do, go on, but it sure is hard to let go sometimes. Part of me loves each moment that ticks by because I notice her absence a little bit less, but the other part of me hates those ticking moments for the very same reason.

I am very grateful for how my life is at the moment. I feel very lucky to have such wonderful people around me, to have so much freedom and opportunity to do things I love, to live in an amazing city, and to travel at will. I owe so much of that to you mom. Happy Birthday…it’s another year we’re apart but you’re certainly not forgotten.

What is driving you?

Published on November 2, 2007 in personal and uniqe ability.

(from Scuddr on flickr via CC)

Have you ever been water skiing? I had my first opportunity about 3 years ago on Julie’s parent’s boat at the beautiful Lake Cumberland, and had a blast (with some pain of course). I didn’t do too bad as I was able to get up pretty quickly and had no problems staying up. I did experience quite a few thuds as I tried to show off by going through the wake. Disaster. Anyway, water skiing is a good analogy to something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately (inspired by Dr. John Eliot): how your thoughts impact your life.

When you are skiing off the back of a boat you really have no control of where you ultimately end up. Yes you can weave in and out, but your control is really limited. The driver of the boat is the one who can steer you through calm waters, up to the shore, or through chop. You just are along for the ride. I think that in the same way our lives are a direct reflection of our outlook on life. Your outlook is made up of many things including your values, personal rules, and self-confidence. On a day to day basis you don’t think about these things, in fact most people don’t really ever confront these things, instead they spend their time and effort figuring out how to weave in and out of the wake, while their personal outlook continues to drive.

I personally have invested a lot of my self-confidence in performance, and I have for as long as I remember. I would feel great about myself when I did great things, and horrible about myself when I did bad things. This meant that I could literally be on top of the world after a good performance one minute, and down in the dumps after a bad one in the next. The interesting thing about my personal makeup (and I suspect it is true for most) is that the negative stuff sticks in the memory a little more firmly than the positive. This was especially true for me in sports growing up. I was/am a good athlete (although not as active now), loved to compete, and generally was a top performer (not trying to toot my own horn), but even after some of my best performances I would’ve downplayed my good plays and emphasized the bad. The impact of this perspective, the investment of a lot of my personal confidence in my performance, impacted my life in many ways. It still continues to today. It’s extremely difficult to have a strong sense of self-worth if it depends on how many times you “win,” especially if your criteria for a “win,” is so high. I can see that I used to spend all my time trying to improve my weaving in and out of the wake not realizing that ultimately the direction I was heading in was impacted by the driver, my outlook. I thought if I performed better, just got those 1 or 2 big wins, then I’d feel better and be more confident to go after bigger victories. The problem here is that it’s difficult to put yourself on the line for a win, if you’re not confident you can do it. It’s even more difficult to steer a boat on skis while holding a rope attached to the back of it.

The first step is realizing what it is that is driving you. I can see that no matter how well I perform with my current outlook it will never be good enough. I’ll always be one victory short of feeling great. So the focus has changed drastically for me in the last 8 months. It’s no longer about what I do outside, it’s about how I feel on the inside. Redefining my core outlook is giving me more power on my perspective, and more power on my perspective is a building a foundation for the outlook I want. It’s a better feeling trying to steer the boat than to steer the skis.

Why are you scared?

Published on October 30, 2007 in nyc and personal.

(See, she’s harmless)

As the proud new owner of a puppy (she’s about a year, so technically still a puppy, but almost full grown) in New York City, I’ve become quite good at reading people and instantly identifying dog people and non-dog people. Dog people generally look down at her as we approach them with a smile or at least a happy expression. Some of them can’t help themselves from bending over and petting her as she jumps up and down with excitement. I am pleasantly surprised at just how many dog people there are and love running into them as I walk her. But as much as I’m surprised by the dog people, I’m even more surprised at how many non-dog people there are. The non-dog people are easy to spot. They notice her from a good distance, and usually fold their arms close to their chest, stare at her with a glaze of fear in their eyes, and make their way quickly to the very edge of the sidewalk as if they are skimming by a werewolf on a leash. Most of them just seem absolutely terrified to even be on the same block much less same chunk of sidewalk as her. I really have to wonder: Why? Why are they so afraid of her (and dogs in general)? Were they bitten in the past? Did their friend have a mean dog that would chase them as a kid? Were their parents afraid of dogs, and they learned from watching them? Why were they so afraid of this sweet, loving, absolutely harmless and friendly animal (referring to my dog)?

I’m fascinated with the human mind/body at work here. Obviously this fear is an individual thing because not everyone is afraid of dogs, and not everyone loves them, but what separates the two? What happened in the past to create a fearful non-dog person? Ok, perhaps they were bitten by one in their distant past, and there I could understand why they were afraid of THAT dog, but why all dogs? It makes me wonder about how our mind works. Perhaps in the process of analyzing and storing so much information, our brain takes an awful lot of shortcuts. It knows that at some point in the past being around a dog brought pain, and avoiding pain is generally a necessity for survival, so it quickly calculates that dogs = pain, and to stay away from them. But we all know that not ALL dogs are evil and mean, and therefore assuming they all will bring pain is false, so why then do some still avoid them at all costs? I think because it’s a wired pattern in the brain…dogs=pain, avoid at all costs. I am not afraid of dogs, but I am sure afraid of other things. Do I act the same towards those?

I have to wonder: What are some things I learned in the past that could bring pain, and now have almost an instinctual reaction to avoid? I believe one of my “dogs,” has to do with acceptance of others. I learned sometime ago that sticking out too much, going against the grain of others too much publicly could bring a lot of ridicule, and ridicule was painful. Looking back on my early years, I can recall quite a few instances in school where I stuck my neck out and was quickly brought down by those around me. That was my “dog bite,” incident and now I have a reaction whenever I feel I’m in a similar situation I pull my arms to my chest and rush to the edge of the sidewalk. Deep down I feel that most circumstances I expose my strongest thoughts and beliefs in are dangerous. I never really thought about it before because I didn’t have to. My body reacted for me, working quickly to secure me from the potentially dangerous situation. But that doesn’t serve me anymore. I’m not a 3rd grader trying to fit in with my peers, I’m just trying to be all me in this world…and I don’t care what everyone thinks. After all, I KNOW 97% of “dogs” won’t bite. It’s time to stop avoiding them.

Project to lifestyle

Published on October 29, 2007 in business, future, goals, nyc and personal.

Learning to swim

(”Learning to Swim,” on flickr by sposta via CC - You can’t learn to swim until you jump in)

I feel like everyone I speak to these days has at least a “project or two,” they are working on. By project I mean they have something they are at least thinking about that hopefully could someday become a real working business that they would own and operate. At the moment, I certainly consider myself part of this group, and sometimes it’s really sort of depressing. I know so many of these “projects,” will never even see the light of day, and of those that do even fewer will ever get far enough to be considered a business. This seemingly harsh reality begs the internal question “Why am I any different?”

I think that more and more people from my generation are at least thinking about heading down the entrepreneurial path. The so called millenials have grown up with access to unlimited information across an unlimited spectrum of niches. We’ve been empowered to go out and learn about anything and everything we’re interested in with ease. We’ve also had front row seats to rise of the “young entrepreneur.” We’ve heard so much about people out of high school and college creating companies that are phenomenal successes. We idolize these people yet we also can’t help but ask “why not me?” This question is precisely why we are so fascinated with them. I’ve asked myself that question for at least 10 years now, going way back to my high school days where I became obsessed with the business world via the stock market (dotcom days, ah what a time to start investing!). Why couldn’t I potentially take my part in the American dream? It’s cheaper than ever to start a business. All the information, contacts, and products you may need are seconds away in a Google search. From the outside perspective the only thing that stands between you and your dream life/job is a smart programming partner and a few months (NOTE: most of the people I talk to are trying to create some sort of web focused business, so they need someone with programming skills). And that is why I think there are so many of us out there with projects.

But if projects are so easy to start, why aren’t more projects becoming working, real life businesses? Because I think very few project starters have the capability to start a business. Most of us want to learn to swim by merely dipping our toes in the water. We think we can expose ourself to gain without risking any of the potential failure, but the truth is the lessons from failure are what create opportunity for success. If you don’t attempt to swim by getting in the pool, you’ll never feel the struggle that is growth, the struggle that is learning. And very few people are prepared for a struggle.

I find comfort in that. Don’t get me wrong, I love the explosion in entrepreneurial mindset in this city and this country. I love that at least in our heads more and more us believe we are capable of doing something big on our own. We all benefit from this because the tinkering of potential entrepreneurs and current entrepreneurs is what pushes growth and innovation throughout. This constant push to create is what created the great environment we are in today. But now I’m seeing what separates someone building a project and someone building a company, and I have to really respect and admire the courage in the creators. Great things happen to those of us who are willing to put ourselves out there. I mean to really put yourself out there for something you believe in. “Putting yourself out there,” obviously has different meanings for different people, and you know ultimately what that means for you, but this is the only place where your “project” becomes a potential business.

For me I believe this means to stop hiding in confusion (I’m not quite sure what to work on),pick a path, and declare it to the world. For me putting myself out there isn’t about money because I’ve never been afraid to put money on the line (thanks to my days dotcom investing and bootstrapping a business in college by the nifty credit card balance transfer trick). My “putting myself out there,” is more about exposing myself completely to the criticism of others. I get out there by speaking up with my ideas, sharing them with as many people as I can, reaching to any and all who may be able to help, and learning from the feedback. Only by challenging myself to expose ideas to others, with a firm voice behind it, can I learn to swim (that’s part of the reason I’ve been blogging more lately..it’s amazing how much more you can write when you write what you’re truly thinking / feeling) and move my project on to a company.

How do you put yourself out there?

2 year ago…

Published on October 24, 2007 in mom and personal.

(this pic was taken at the lake erie house mentioned below…taken in Jan of 06)

It came and I didn’t even catch it. I really can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years since my mom passed away. Roughly 2 years ago today, I entered the most difficult period of my life. The point where my mom’s battle with breast cancer went from something I knew that would work itself out to something that consumed my life for the next month.

I remember it so clearly. Julie and I had been fighting and we were driving up to her parent’s house at Lake Erie. Then the silence in the car was shattered by the ring of my cell phone. It was Tom, my mom’s fiance, calling, which I immediately knew wasn’t good. My heart sunk into my shoes. I answered with a fake “I”m ok voice,” and he told me he was in Houston with my mom, he had Andrea (my sister) on the line as well, and that my mom had a seizure yesterday. He went on..”they did some test, and the cancer has spread to your mother’s brain.” Wow, did it hurt. You can never really imagine how you’ll feel when you hear words like that about someone you love so much. I think I went into shock because I remained somewhat calm. Tom got off the phone and I talked with Andrea for awhile. We both were somewhat calm, and actually did our best to remain positive. I felt my spirits lift a bit, my mom was one tough cookie and I knew that some people made it through seemingly impossible odds, so why not her? Julie pulled off the highway into a Burger King parking lot and I got off the phone. Then I lost it. Never cried so hard in my life, my arms were shaking, my legs were shaking, and I couldn’t catch my breath. It was truly one of those surreal moments you could never imagine, where you are filled with such deep, intense emotions. It was something I’ll certainly remember for the rest of my life.

It’s a story that highlights the power of perspective, and how quickly things can turn on a dime. Literally moments before the call, Julie and I were at arm’s length arguing about who knows what, I was stressed and overwhelmed with how things were going with my business, and I was fighting off those anxious voices in my head saying “you’ve got to do this, and got to do that….” They all went away the moment I saw my caller-id. Sometimes life sends you a wake up call…”hey step out of the muck, and look at the big picture for a moment…what really matters most to you?”

My post from that weekend 2 years ago

My post from last year (which just reading now I realized is very similar to what I’ve written above)

Who’s your harshest critic?

Published on October 24, 2007 in future, goals and personal.

CC via Jan Tik on Flickr

I’ve been paying a lot closer attention recently to how I feel at certain moments, and what triggers those feelings. This past weekend, Julie’s awesome sister and brother-in-law came to visit Julie and I here in New York. They are both really great people and I enjoy spending time with them, so I knew I would have fun. But lurking in my excitement was my good old friend, insecurity.

I chose a different path, I chose not to take a job or do anything I am “supposed” to be doing, yet I struggle to proudly claim this, especially around good friends, family, or Julie’s family. I feel that question with such weight: “What do you do?” I hate that question, and whenever I anticipate being asked that or challenged in it, I feel the back of my hairs stand up like a dog gearing up for a fight. I feel unsure about my path at the moment sometimes because I haven’t reached my destination. I feel like people from the outside looking in will see someone not doing anything, and I decided awhile ago that someone not doing anything is not someone I want to be. Yet, that’s how I label myself when people ask me that question. But their’s power in here for me in recognizing these feelings of insecurity. It begs for a change of perspective.

Easing into my time with them, my guard went down and the list of prepared defenses faded to the back of my mind. I can see now the truth: they respect me and believe in me more than I have myself sometimes. They don’t question what I’m doing with skepticism, they question it with interest and admiration. I was prepared for a fight, they were just prepared to hang out and learn more about me. It turns out the harshest judge of my progress, the harshest critic of my life I’ve ever met, is me.

The good news is that I’m also the easiest judge to sway. The answers all lie in a tweak of perspective. I can see really that I’m making fantastic progress, that when I go beyond looking for changes each day, I’ve come a really long way in a short time. I’ve come so far without patting myself on the back for progress, and I forgot that personal victories should always be rewarded. It took some friends to hand some pats on the back to remind me I should pat myself on the back every once in awhile. I’m moving forward each day…that’s what I “do.”

Distraction to focus

Published on October 19, 2007 in personal.

Have you ever been in a place where you are in a really great mood, so full of energy, but really unsure of what exactly to do? This for me can come after a cup of coffee, a great phone call, a great meeting, or the solving of a problem. This place is very good yet hard at the same time. With so much energy, I bounce all over the place from emails to half written documents to IM, and back again. This is really where I seek distraction.

As I talked about yesterday a bit, I seek distraction in information overload. I read books, blogs, newspapers, check my stocks, check the market etc. Somewhere along the way I learned that answers come from information gathering. So it almost becomes an addiction. I would bet that many people experience this phenomenon, especially if you work on a place like wall street where you have in the past been able to find profitable answers in the morning’s wsj. With that kind of positive reinforcement, your body gets hooked and seeks for the next bit “hit” that is just around the corner in the next blog, tomorrow’s paper, etc. Don’t get me wrong, reading and keeping up to date is a great way to learn, grow, and spur new ideas. But it’s important to not turn this into a crutch, as I often do, when you’re uncomfortable about what to do next.

The question is then, how do you move through the distraction, especially when you have so much energy? You cultivate it. Get up, break your old habits, move around. For me I’ve recently found that putting on music, getting up and moving around with a pen and paper to reevaluate my situation works very well. Instead of trying to hush up the energy with distraction, I let the excitement out through movement and wide open brainstorming. Instead of fighting it back, allowing it to overcome, or trying to drown it out, I use it. I welcome it.

If you often feel distracted while at work or at home, time to try something new. The same reaction will continue to yield the same results. Are you truly happy with those results?

Today’s a game

Published on October 18, 2007 in business, goals, mom, personal and uniqe ability.

(via mecredis on flickr under cc)

As I was sitting eating lunch and thinking about my last post I had somewhat of a revelation. I really don’t like work.

Looking back on my first business, Enviar, I didn’t start that as a business. I really started that with the approach of “this puzzle looks fun.” It was more like I see this piece and I see this piece, and I see that no one else is putting them together but if I do I win (and get paid). So I tried it, and it worked, so I tried it again and worked…and off it went. I gained momentum, I gained contacts in the industry, and I made some money, all while solving these puzzles. But something happened along the way…Some sort of pressure started coming in. I guess it was the “shoulds.”

Somewhere along the way I started saying “well you should do this,” and you “should be doing that.” And suddenly it didn’t feel like a puzzle anymore, it started to feel like work. I guess I define work as stuff you HAVE to do that isn’t fun, and that is how this started to feel. But coupled with the shoulds (I should keep working on this), I stuck with it. I told myself I have to work to make this work, and I should not stop. This is when I started hitting coffee shops for “work.” After all, you can’t do work at home and you’re supposed to be doing work at least from 8am to 5pm. Somewhere along the way this rule became ingrained in me. I’m supposed to be working from 8am to 5pm, no exceptions. So ever since then I’ve made it a habit to do work at that time, and usually most of it at a coffee shop (because again, work needs a “formal” place).

But the interesting thing for me looking back is I can now see where things went awry. I started treating everything like work (which I hate) instead of like a game/puzzle (which I love), and you can get a lot further in life when each day is another exciting puzzle instead of just another day at work.

How can you make today a game?