Life Putting - Dan Putt

Wow after crying my eyes out and writing a long reflective post about my mom, and the one year anniversary of her passing…my firefox (foxfire as she called it) froze thus erasing everything I wrote. So I’m afraid to say I have no energy at this point to write the post again.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I gave you a hug, my mom. I can’t believe it’s been so long since you called me Daniel (you are one of a few). I can’t believe it’s been so long since we went for a long walk at Winton Woods, and you gave me challenging, growth encouraging advice. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I heard you squeal with excitement at the site of a turtle, a gold finch, or a beautiful flower. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last heard you tell me you loved me, and you were so proud of me. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last heard you say…”Just do what makes you happy, the rest will take care of itself.”

Well I’m trying my best mom. I have to admit not having you around makes that last one a lot more difficult because I sure miss you a lot. I still can’t believe I can’t pick up the phone and call you. I struggle without my guide, my mom, and my best friend. I know somehow you’re still with me, and I know that nothing will ever take away our wonderful times together.

I can’t believe it’s been a year…I guess what they say is true, life does go on, but for me the feelings and memories never go away. I miss you mom.

What I wrote last year…

Some pics:

I love this picture…I remember taking it, it was one of the first times she met Julie. We came down from Miami, and her, julie and I went for a long walk at Winton Woods. We were fascinated by that huge hole in the tree and she went back to get a look, which is when I took this. It’s really a great summary of her mood whenever we went to Winton Woods. I loved those walks.

I love this picture, you can see the childlike excitement she lived with.

This was written by her those who she worked with, who she touched deeply.

This is really the best way to describe my mom’s academic career…I think this may have been her LOWEST grade in all the classes she took in pursuit of all of her degrees…

I love this picture.  She always made birthdays, holidays, even weekends special.
Andrea and Tom enjoy the view from mom’s bench, with her tulip tree to their left. The bench and the tree were donated in her memory by her friends. She loved tulip tree’s (of course what kind of trees didn’t she love?)

After she passed away Andrea found this poster board that my mom had made…It was a comforting, beautiful reminder that things really are ok

So yesterday was my birthday (june 16th), and I have to say it was not really a day I wanted to face.  I feared it because I knew it would be hard, sad, and frustrating…It was. I couldn’t and can’t help but feel cheated and frustrated to come through this 25th birthday without my mother at my side.  Despite all the wonderful people who sent me cards, left me voicemails, and wished me in person a happy birthday, it all really felt empty.  I didn’t have the one person I really wanted here with me. And never in a million years, even at my 24th birthday, would I have envisioned my life as it is on my 25th birthday.  The truth is, I miss her so much, but I’ve gotten so good at pretending life is normal up in columbus.  It really took my birthday to bring the reality back again.  I didn’t get one of her famous cards with tales of me being born, how proud she is of me, how much she loves me, how much she enjoys watching me grow each year, and how much she looks forward to sharing the years ahead with me.  The only thing certain about the future is that it is uncertain.  I am glad that I valued my time with her.  I’m glad that I saved most of her birthday cards from the last few years.  I’m glad I saved a little of my past, for the future.
There are no guarantees that something here today will be here tomorrow.  So before you go out and dismiss your birthday as just another, or even tomorrow as just another…take a minute to enjoy who and what you have today.  Nothing is forever.

In an attempt to slowly move forward, my sister, tom (tom thankfully has been doing this for Andrea and I when we were unable) and I are trying to clear away some of my mom’s clothing.  It’s incredibly difficult to see these items that are obvious remnants of a healthy happy past.  Many of the items I can clearly visualize on my mom while we took walks at the park, went for a drive, hung out in her beloved garden, went out to happy dinners, traveled to Florida, watched a movie together, learned together, laughed together, hugged each other…She has so many clothes.  Clothes that have never been worn, others not worn in years, and some worn thin.  But these clothes look so funny and out of place now. It suddenly becomes so clear on what they really are, nothing more than strands of fabric carefully woven together.  They are worth nothing, have no life, without mom.  The only that matters was her, who she was, how she was, and how we love her.  She has left many items around the house, but none of them are worth anything without her, and now their only value is that they allow us to fully remember her.

How many items do I get sucked into believing in?  How important are the clothes I put on everyday?  Can a brand new suit really make me a better person? Can a nice car really make me more love able or make me love more?  Can a big house really make my friendships stronger?  It’s so incredibly hard to strip away all the layers and it is unfortunate that it takes situations like this (for me at least) to get down to this level.  It’s not what you have, who you know, what you’ve done…it’s just you.  When it’s all said and done for you on this earth, the only thing people will care to talk about is you.